...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
