if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
