I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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