no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
