My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
