either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
