Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
