As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
