I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
