i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
