This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
