im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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