I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
