I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
