Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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