My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
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