You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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