: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The beer is more important than you right now.
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No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
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I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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