She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
