Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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