Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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