I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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