Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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