you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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