I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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