If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sext me about skeletons
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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