i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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