we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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