I faked an abortion last night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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