I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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