Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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