I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
