you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
