I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
