these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
