I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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