Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
