It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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