textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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