he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
