I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
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I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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