Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
