i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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