Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
