I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
