u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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