im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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