jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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