sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
