You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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