My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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