got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
