last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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