i may or may not be watching the land before time
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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